My Mis-Adventures with Poultry or “Why I write.”

I posted this on Facebook on Oct. 23 of last year and thought I would re-post it. This is why I will never run out of material. For the record, the turkey was delicious and no one got food poisoning. 
“I swear, I’m actually a pretty good cook. But this is a summary of the last 90 minutes of my life.
Noon- Realize I’m going to have to start brining the “new recipe practice turkey” for Thanksgiving if we’re going to roast it tomorrow as planned. I have thawed the turkey. I have a good brining recipe. But I do not have the brining bucket I ordered online, which was supposed to arrive Thursday.
12:03 – Check with Amazon to see why the brining bucket has not been delivered. See that the delivery estimate has been changed to Tuesday.
12:04 – Decide to employ my back-up plan of a brining bag, an enormous sealing plastic bag, which I can prop up in a big plastic bowl to keep it from spilling if it opens.
12:09 – Wash hands. Mix up brining recipe. Rinse off oranges and lemons that have to be quartered for the brine. Realize I’ve left the fresh rosemary and thyme in the garage fridge.
12:12 – Cut open the turkey packaging and find that it’s perfectly thawed. Feel swell of confidence.
12:13 – Rinse the turkey in cold water, as instructed, see that the garbage disposal is not draining. Reach over to the light switch to turn it on, making a mental note to wipe the light switch down with disinfectant later.
12:14 – The garbage disposal is not draining. Confidence wanes.
12:15 – Still not draining.
12:16 – While bobbling the turkey to reach for the garbage disposal switch, stream of water ricochets off of turkey breast and splashes all over counter. Make mental note to disinfect backsplash to kill of salmonella currently colonizing my counter top.
12:18 – The other side of the sink is now filling up with gross chunky water. Confidence waves bye-bye and runs out the front door.
12:23 – Decide to brine turkey first and deal with garbage disposal later. Remove all dirty dishes from sink and place on counter top as both sinks fill with gross water. Wash hands.
12:29 – Place brining bag in the largest mixing bowl I own. Place turkey in brining bag and am immediately alarmed by its somewhat floppy quality. Wash hands. Mix salt, brown sugar, water together. Pour over turkey. Somewhat floppy bag becomes completely unstable as it fills with liquid. Zip plastic bag to prevent second salmonella colony.
12:35 – Run out to garage to fetch fresh herbs. Imagine salmonella colony has established the beginnings of a democratic society and organized religion. Return to find the brining bag has fallen sideways in the bowl and the weight of the liquid was too much for the brining bag seal, breaching it entirely and spilling about a gallon of contaminated turkey water all over my counter, dishwasher and floor.
12:37 – Five minutes of dedicated cursing and hand-washing.
12:42 – Retrieve now contaminated coffee cups, paper towel holder, and knife rack from countertop. Imagine the salmonella colonies have now incorporated into townships and trying to launch bacteria ships to reach other counters.
12:50 – Wash hands. Grab back-up-back-up plan – a large plastic washtub I’m not entirely sure will fit in the garage fridge. Complete brine recipe. Confidence is pointing through the kitchen window from outside the house and laughing at me.
12:53 – Garbage disposal is still not draining.
12:58 – Seal the now more stable brining bag and prop it up in the washtub. Briefly consider super-glue.
1:02 – Wash hands. Find that the brining-bag-in-the-washtub DOES NOT fit in the garage fridge bottom shelf, as suspected. Frantically, clear off top shelf of juice and soda. Double check the seal and close the fridge. Pretty sure salmonella townships are forming book clubs and establishing fancy coffee chains on my counter tops.
1:07 – Garbage disposal is still not draining.
1:12 – Combat salmonella invasion with thorough use of bleach spray and angry paper-toweling. Wash hands.
1:20 – Call husband, who refrains from laughing at me, and recommends Drano to fix the garbage disposal issue.
1:30 – As I’m leaving the house to fetch Drano from the grocery store, the UPS guy arrives with the brining bucket.
1:35 – Five more minutes of dedicated cursing. Which confuses the UPS guy. After he sprints back to his truck, I give Confidence the middle finger.”

Send your shoes to glitter heaven!


We’re collecting shoes to decorate for next year’s Nola StoryCon. Our team of glitter goddesses will make them sparkly as heck and then raffle them off to lucky readers at Nola Story Con 2017.

The shoes don’t necessarily have to be pretty. Anything in reasonably good shape will be appreciated. If the shoe has an interesting heel or toe, even better!

Ship your shoes to Molly Harper, PO Box 129, West Paducah Ky 42086 and we will turn them into works of bedazzled art!

Come to Nola StoryCon, win remarkably sparkly shoes.



So we’ve been keeping it a secret, but this is what my mom and I have been cooking up at the sparkle dungeon. We’re raffling off these table centerpiece shoes at Nola StoryCon‘s Big Easy Dinner this month. I’m so excited to share them, particularly the possum boot, which is dedicated to my editor, Abby Zidle. 

Be sure to register for Nola StoryCon 2017, to try to win next year’s shoes. Because we’re making this a tradition!

Me and Samuel L. Jackson – Audible Essentials

NICE GIRLS DON’T HAVE FANGS has been named one of‘s Essentials – The Best of Audible Studios. 

“The Molly Harper/Amanda Ronconi pairing has become the stuff of Audible legend, and it all started with this book.”

AND, we’re included on the same list as Samuel L. Jackson’s performance of “Go the F*** to Sleep,” which I find hilarious. My life is complete.

Click here for more information. 

SWEET TEA AND SYMPATHY now available for pre-order!

Look what’s available for pre-order!
“Beloved author Molly Harper launches a brand new contemporary romance series, Southern Eclectic, with this story of a big-city party planner who finds true love in a small Georgia town.
Nestled on the shore of Lake Sackett, Georgia is the McCready Family Funeral Home and Bait Shop. (What, you have a problem with one-stop shopping?) Two McCready brothers started two separate businesses in the same building back in 1928, and now it’s become one big family affair. And true to form in small Southern towns, family business becomes everybody’s business.
Margot Cary has spent her life immersed in everything Lake Sackett is not. As an elite event planner, Margot’s rubbed elbows with the cream of Chicago society, and made elegance and glamour her business. She’s riding high until one event goes tragically, spectacularly wrong. Now she’s blackballed by the gala set and in dire need of a fresh start—and apparently the McCreadys are in need of an event planner with a tarnished reputation.
As Margot finds her footing in a town where everybody knows not only your name, but what you had for dinner last Saturday night and what you’ll wear to church on Sunday morning, she grudgingly has to admit that there are some things Lake Sackett does better than Chicago—including the dating prospects. Elementary school principal Kyle Archer is a fellow fish-out-of-water who volunteers to show Margot the picture-postcard side of Southern living. The two of them hit it off, but not everybody is happy to see an outsider snapping up one of the town’s most eligible gentleman. Will Margot reel in her handsome fish, or will she have to release her latest catch?”
For all available pre-order links, see the Simon and Schuster page


He's a bit Wild.She's got Bite.
WHERE THE WILD THINGS BITE is now available in print, ebook and audio! Wherever books are sold!
A rare-book expert is delivering a package to Half Moon Hollow when her plane goes down, and a sexy vampire comes to her rescue. He’s clearly got ulterior motives, but does he want to date her…or devour her?
Delivering a rare book to a valued customer is definitely part of mild-mannered archivist Anna Winthrop’s job description. You know what isn’t? Protecting her precious cargo from mid-flight theft by the very pilot who is flying her to Half-Moon Hollow…while trying to appear as unappetizing as possible to the only other passenger, a vampire. Undead bookstore owner Jane Jameson could be waiting a very long time for her book. Possibly forever.
Fortunately, Anna’s dashing fanged companion Finn Palmeroy helps her fend off the attack, but not before their plane crash lands in the forest hundreds of miles from civilization. Great, now she’s stranded with a priceless tome and a rakish vampire whose bedtime is fast approaching. Why does everyone want this book so badly, anyway? Anna just wants to get it to Jane before Finn decides to turn her into dinner—or sweep her off her feet. Okay, the second option is really tempting. But they’re not out of the woods yet…
Order now!