My Mis-Adventures with Poultry or “Why I write.”

I posted this on Facebook on Oct. 23 of last year and thought I would re-post it. This is why I will never run out of material. For the record, the turkey was delicious and no one got food poisoning. 
“I swear, I’m actually a pretty good cook. But this is a summary of the last 90 minutes of my life.
Noon- Realize I’m going to have to start brining the “new recipe practice turkey” for Thanksgiving if we’re going to roast it tomorrow as planned. I have thawed the turkey. I have a good brining recipe. But I do not have the brining bucket I ordered online, which was supposed to arrive Thursday.
12:03 – Check with Amazon to see why the brining bucket has not been delivered. See that the delivery estimate has been changed to Tuesday.
12:04 – Decide to employ my back-up plan of a brining bag, an enormous sealing plastic bag, which I can prop up in a big plastic bowl to keep it from spilling if it opens.
12:09 – Wash hands. Mix up brining recipe. Rinse off oranges and lemons that have to be quartered for the brine. Realize I’ve left the fresh rosemary and thyme in the garage fridge.
12:12 – Cut open the turkey packaging and find that it’s perfectly thawed. Feel swell of confidence.
12:13 – Rinse the turkey in cold water, as instructed, see that the garbage disposal is not draining. Reach over to the light switch to turn it on, making a mental note to wipe the light switch down with disinfectant later.
12:14 – The garbage disposal is not draining. Confidence wanes.
12:15 – Still not draining.
12:16 – While bobbling the turkey to reach for the garbage disposal switch, stream of water ricochets off of turkey breast and splashes all over counter. Make mental note to disinfect backsplash to kill of salmonella currently colonizing my counter top.
12:18 – The other side of the sink is now filling up with gross chunky water. Confidence waves bye-bye and runs out the front door.
12:23 – Decide to brine turkey first and deal with garbage disposal later. Remove all dirty dishes from sink and place on counter top as both sinks fill with gross water. Wash hands.
12:29 – Place brining bag in the largest mixing bowl I own. Place turkey in brining bag and am immediately alarmed by its somewhat floppy quality. Wash hands. Mix salt, brown sugar, water together. Pour over turkey. Somewhat floppy bag becomes completely unstable as it fills with liquid. Zip plastic bag to prevent second salmonella colony.
12:35 – Run out to garage to fetch fresh herbs. Imagine salmonella colony has established the beginnings of a democratic society and organized religion. Return to find the brining bag has fallen sideways in the bowl and the weight of the liquid was too much for the brining bag seal, breaching it entirely and spilling about a gallon of contaminated turkey water all over my counter, dishwasher and floor.
12:37 – Five minutes of dedicated cursing and hand-washing.
12:42 – Retrieve now contaminated coffee cups, paper towel holder, and knife rack from countertop. Imagine the salmonella colonies have now incorporated into townships and trying to launch bacteria ships to reach other counters.
12:50 – Wash hands. Grab back-up-back-up plan – a large plastic washtub I’m not entirely sure will fit in the garage fridge. Complete brine recipe. Confidence is pointing through the kitchen window from outside the house and laughing at me.
12:53 – Garbage disposal is still not draining.
12:58 – Seal the now more stable brining bag and prop it up in the washtub. Briefly consider super-glue.
1:02 – Wash hands. Find that the brining-bag-in-the-washtub DOES NOT fit in the garage fridge bottom shelf, as suspected. Frantically, clear off top shelf of juice and soda. Double check the seal and close the fridge. Pretty sure salmonella townships are forming book clubs and establishing fancy coffee chains on my counter tops.
1:07 – Garbage disposal is still not draining.
1:12 – Combat salmonella invasion with thorough use of bleach spray and angry paper-toweling. Wash hands.
1:20 – Call husband, who refrains from laughing at me, and recommends Drano to fix the garbage disposal issue.
1:30 – As I’m leaving the house to fetch Drano from the grocery store, the UPS guy arrives with the brining bucket.
1:35 – Five more minutes of dedicated cursing. Which confuses the UPS guy. After he sprints back to his truck, I give Confidence the middle finger.”